Thursday, October 14, 2004

Frankie Say: RELAX, DON'T DO IT!

Most of you have probably have heard about Texas Ranger Frankie Francisco pulling a “Bobby Knight” of sorts and throwing a chair into the stands at a A’s game this year, inadvertently hitting a women in the head, breaking her nose. The woman is going to press charges and is likely going to sue. Of course sue Francisco, and maybe even the A’s.
Now if I was the one who got the broken nose, instead of suing the A’s, I would definitely work out a settlement. I would settle because I am an A’s fan and I would want some very specific things from the Athletics in my settlement…such as:

· When the A’s lose in the first round of the playoffs this year, I want the team to throw us die-hard’s a private party. At that party I want Jeremy Giambi sliding at home base throughout the entire shindig. Also Terence Long actually swinging at a pitch the WHOLE time, as well, instead of looking at called third strikes to end a playoff series (I know both of those players are gone but MAKE IT HAPPEN!). Oh and let me tell off Eric Byrnes for forgetting to touch home plate in the 2003 playoff-I don’t care if it hurt when you came home or not Burnsey!
· Force Mark McGwire to apologize to A’s fans for telling us he wanted to leave Oakland so he could be closer to his son in Southern California and then sign a deal with ST. LOUIS (that isn’t in So Cal for you geography inept). Oh yea, and then break the all-time season home run record with the Cards.
· Never invite Reggie Jackson to come back to Oakland Coliseum again. Every time he does he slips in some New York Yankee propaganda. We know you like your Yanks better than us Regg.
· Ken Macha must call ME before he calls the bullpen.
· I get to shave off Rollie Fingers Mustache.
· Force all of the A’s outfielders to wear their hats like old centerfielder Dwayne Murphy did. It was always so cool to see Dwayne’s hat come flying off even on routine pop-ups.
· At the aforementioned party, I want to do “keg stands” with Barry Zito, Eric Chavez and Eric Byrnes (does that make me gay?). I know I ripped Byrnes earlier but he’s got to be a cool guy to party with and he give the best post-game interview.
· Have Jose Canseco go around to area schools to talk about the dangers of having a bad hair cut.

Finally, find a way to get a new stadium built. One that doesn’t have the opposing team warming up right in front of the confused Oakland fan who still thinks he is at a Raiders game. Or at least put up some chicken-wire between the bullpen and the stands. That way the next time Frankie wants to throw a chair, he won’t have to RELAX-he can JUST DO IT.


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